So there’s this guy I like…I really like him. I have since last year. He’s my best guy friend. I feel like I can tell him everything. I’m shy, and I’m a nerd, but he’s the exact opposite. He’s outgoing and always wants to hang out, so whenever I have time to play its always with him. I’m not the one he spends the most time with, but he’s the one I spend the most time with.

So I liked him. Our phone calls went on for hours. I had a blast hanging out with him and trying things I’ve never done before. He teased me a lot, but I liked him even more for it. I wanted him to like me back, to feel as strongly as I did for him.

Little did I know…he treated every single girl exactly like me. He was on the phone with them when he wasn’t with me. He hung out with them when it wasn’t with me. He teased them and flirted with them, all the same. I wasn’t special like I had thought. I was just like them, maybe worse, because I could rarely hang out while they always had time.

I got jealous and questioned my feelings. Maybe I shouldn’t like him. He got a girlfriend and I tried distancing myself from him, trying to get him to realize what he was missing and maybe try and get me back, even as a friend. It didn’t work. I was the only one who got hurt.

I was overjoyed when he told me they broke up. Now was my chance. I tried hanging out with him more and more, lying to my parents so I could leave the house and meet up with him. I liked him.

Homecoming was coming up. I wanted to go with him, but I actually wanted him to be my prom date even more. I knew he didn’t like me, so I thought it would be weird if I went to hc and prom with him, so I found someone else and told him he could ask someone else. It was the biggest regret of my life.

That friend is one of my closest friends. After homecoming, I continued to hang out with him, even telling him I wanted to go to prom with him. I asked him if he liked that friend. He said he wouldn’t tell me. I shrugged it off and forgot about her, my crush coming back, stronger than ever.

I missed his birthday because I was at tennis state. Maybe if I had stayed, things would be different. I’ll never know. A week passed. When I came back, he was going out with her.

I don’t think I ever congratulated them, because I wasn’t happy. I was sad. I never realized they had a thing after homecoming. I was too ignorant to realize their numerous dates together. I was only focusing on his relationship with me, not others.

Envy is my biggest sin. I envied them together. She would tell me all the cute things he did for her. My friend would tell me how much they like each other. Everyone thought they were perfect..except me.

I was distracted by college apps, but now that they’re over I keep thinking about this. So many times I’ve been tempted to tell him, to try and get him to feel sorry for me, to dump her and go out with me. I almost gave in to my selfishness.

She’s one of my closest friends. He’s one of my best friends. I can’t ruin their happiness for my own relief. I went to church with him, a promise I made before he started going out with her. God forgives your sins. But a sin is a sin. Even hanging out with him, talking with him; I’ve been innerly trying to hint at my feelings and get him to like me and not her. I hate myself for it.

That’s why I cried. Because I don’t know what to do. How do you pull yourself from someone you love? I don’t think I can even be his friend without liking him as someone more. But leaving him will crush me. I seriously consider him my best friend. Without him, I’ll be so lonely and…empty. What am I supposed to do?

I must confess, it is much harder than you think it is to let go of him. Whenever we hang out. He hugs me. Or touches me, or leans on me. Things that would seem casual and normal to some, but every time he does this my heart races. I would never stay on the phone for hours with someone I dont like like. I wouldn’t hang out numerous days with one person I don’t have a crush on. But I guess he does.

Life is so unfair. Doing the right thing is so hard. I just want to be selfish for a day, confess my feelings, and have him say he likes me too. I want him to be my boyfriend. I want to hold his hand. I want to hug him and never let go. I want him to be my first kiss.

This is why senior year sucks. Liking someone you can’t have. My life is like a Korean drama. Only this story doesn’t have a happy ending.

Ok like seriously most of my close friends are in relationships and I’m not and I have a ton of homework tomorrow but I’m just gonna go to sleep and try to forget it all

So I just had a dream that Ecame over and slept over and it was really fun and he was super cute. :) then later I invited him again cause my family was going to this Korean festival the next day w/ Kpop and Justin bieber and he agreed but then I didn’t wake up and they went w/o me and I was sad. Then Abby said E likes me b/c why would he sleep over at my house but then I was like what about C and Abby was like, obviously he likes you more and I was really happy. Then I talked to his mom who was really mad about him being out so late and she was really nice and yeah…I wish my dream was real lol

This winter break, I had more than enough sleep every day, and thus had many dreams. Of those, three stand out to me:

The first is I went to a Justin Bieber concert, and somehow my mom acquired front row seats. We squeezed and Justin came out, and we were a foot away. He said he didn’t want to sing today and everyone in the audience didn’t care; we just couldn’t believe he was there. Then some other stuff happened and I went backstage with him because he needed help on his calculus homework; most notably, integrals. I noticed Selena was backstage as well. I helped him, and he chatted and yeah.

The second was also at a Justin concert, but for some reason I went outside to catch my breath? or something and Justin came out as well from the opposite end. I went up to him and asked for a picture, took one, then proceeded to force myself to keep up the conversation (even though I was beyond shy) and in the end he really liked me and gave me his number. Every time he went to a diff state he’d have to change it again, but he would always text it to me and we became good texting buddies. Then it changed and something happened and next thing I know criminals are chasing me wanting Justin’s number. Crazy ish.

The third was last night. Chris came back, and I was showing him around school (though it did not look a bit like Clark anymore) and yeah. I was super shy and happy (maybe because I still have feelings for him). I remember Key Club was written on top of like every door and wall and that was pretty cray. Then like four little chinese boys ran out and began doing their kung fu moves at us but then Chris started speaking Cantonese (like wth, when did he learn that) and they got quiet and bowed to us and left us alone. Uhhh okay haha.

taterdoom:

have you ever fallen in love with someone because of their voice

Classes I regret taking:

- Psychology

- Orchestra

i need to lose weight

I love my NHS officers because they actually step up and offer to do work, even when not asked. They love the club as much as I do, so they’re willing to do everything they can.

As opposed to my tennis co-captains, who don’t talk to me ever and make me do all the work. They don’t offer to do anything. Why did they want to be captain? Beats me. They don’t do anything.